"Vi måste ha fattat fel", sa en av katterna som tålmodigt väntade utanför mössfabriken.
De hade naturligtvis missförstått.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was salted.
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."
A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The
battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the
The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of
"Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you"
"Why not" the bra says
"Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're
going to start something"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The
ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"
Två kannibaler satt och åt middag.
- Jag tycker inte om din bror.
- Jaså, men du kan väl äta upp potatisen i alla fall?
Mamma, finns det kannibaler i Jämtland?
- Nej, varför undrar du det?
- Pappa sa att dom lever på turister.
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true,
straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've
lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets
the beer down and the neutron asks,
- "How much for the beer?"
- "For you, no charge!"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says
the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because
he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands (strössel). Police say that he topped himself.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the
problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five
penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor,
"How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
"Answer the door, please. And if it's the invisible man, tell him I can't see
"I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out."
Kan det bli bättre än så här? Saxat ur "Punch":
"Is that Gamblers Anonymous, by any chance?"
The power of punctuation
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is
nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it
All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is
All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is
En konsult är:
- en superhjälte med oövervinnerliga krafter som de fast
anställda ser upp till.
- en självgod fackidiot med välsmort munläder som det är värt att betala lite
extra för att slippa ha som anställd.
Om människor lämnar efter sig choklad så blir den uppäten - en femåring
svarar på frågan vad som hänt med chokladkakan som låg på bordet.